10 March 2010


When I was young, I always envied my mom for being an adult. To me, being an adult means I need not study, get caning for not studying, no more tuitions & most importantly Freedom. She tell me how silly I am and that I should treasure my childhood (hm... not really sure whether I had one) bcse when I am an adult I will want to be a child again. Like usual, I will brush her off. Once Again, she is so right. She is always right.

Being a child, all I had to care about was finishing my homeworks, attend all my tuitions and get good results. Now, even before I start my own family, before all the financial worries, just relationship itself is capable of drowning me. I always consider myself as a depressing person, when I was young I would always climb onto the ledge of my window just staring at the view below and thking what it feels like to jump. (Luckily my parents always keep the window grill locked and than lock up the keys) In order to have my own private space to think things through and not let anyone find me, I would draw the curtain, close the window (the sequence goes backwards bcse I am on the outside) and just sit there hugging my legs, rocking back and forth. Now, my make-up is the most important thing in the world. It works as a mask for me to face the world and continue leading my life. Once I put on my make-up I become the bubbly, chatty, happy-go-lucky Gal. Recently, my nights are getting so bad that its affecting my daily life. When I am in bed, all is dark and quiet, my tears will fall, my chest aches. Normally, I am well controlled when it comes to crying but this time my tears seems to be over powering me.

Tears flow till dawn, with the swollen eyes and the haggard face it is impossible for me to go to school. I motivate myself to work on my assignments and research but not being able to attend school does affect the quality of my work. By the time I finally fall asleep it would be 9 plus in the morning and I will be haunted by nightmares. This week I allowed myself to hide from the world, to pick up pieces of my soul and lead a normal life. I came to Australia to study and that will always be the piority. I always have to remind myself that I have to be logical and not emotional. Set my piorities right.... I have no time for tears. Its 5.30am right now, I hvnt shed a single tear (might be bcse I am not in bed and all the lights and tv is on) but I feel like there is an improvement. I am confident in saying I will be able to put on my make-up and walk out of the front door when the sun is out. I will survive. Shall take some beautiful pictures later on in the day.

Some of you must be thking WAT!! nothing abt trust and she dare to name this post T.R.U.S.T.
Trust is something really special, it is the foundation in every commited relationships. It takes a long time to build-up the trust between two people and the trust that is maintained can be betrayed in matter of secs. How can we instill trust and confidence in a person that has already betrayed your trust?